I exercise a lot. Family, real-life friends, and Facebook friends usually ask me for advice on how to lose weight. It’s usually a seasonal thing, for example; “As soon as the holiday season is over, I’ll eat right again. I just need to know what exercises to do…”
After a while, you start to know which people are serious and which ones are just blowing smoke up their own ass (cuz I don’t believe that shit smh). I give advice anyway. I mean, you never know who’ll actually go workout like they said they would. But I figured I may as well write a blog on the subject, post it on Facebook and let everyone read.
All of these tips are to be taken seriously. It may make you laugh, but…nah forreal, I’m serious. Follow these tips and you should be ok…
1. Put down the fork. You know when you’re just eating cuz you’re bored, or emotional, or whatever. Cut that shit out. On that Fat Bastard (from Austin Powers) bullshit. “I eat cuz I’m sad…and I’m sad cuz I eat…”
2. Don’t lie down after you eat. Wait a hour or so, let the food digest. I don’t remember the particulars, but, I remember you get fat if u eat and lie down immediately after, so don’t do it.
3. If you can buy it from a vending machine, leave it alone. Think aobut it…how many healthy snacks do you find in vending machines?…….not many.
4. Take your lunch to work instead of buying it. I need to do this more often my self. Not only is it healthier, but it’ll save money. TRUST me on that.
5. Stop drinking sugary ass drinks. I’m guilty of this too, but I still manage to drink 1-2 liters of water daily. So THERE! Anyway, liquid sugar is easier to ingest than solid, so that’s a major way for you to grow underarm and back tiddies. And you know that extra ass some people have just under their gut? Yeah……..put that soda down….
6. Join a gym. I look at it like this: if you’re PAYING for a membership, it may make you get up and go instead of wasting money. That’s how I see it anyway. Makes sense though. Not to mention, obviously unless you’ve spent money on some equipment, the gym is gonna have more shit for you to use so it make even more sense. You got a treadmill? Aiight then.
7. If you KNOW you’re gonna get lazier as the day goes on, workout earlier in the day. Most of the time it’s better to workout when you wake up anyway. Gives you more energy and just plain ol’ makes you feel good. And, in lazy terms, you get that shit out the way and won’t have to worry about it for the rest of the day.
8. You need to have full range of motion and some mobility when you workout. So, wearing a damn sweater, some jeans, and some ugly, leaned over Reeboks aren’t gonna help much. Get some nice shoes for running/jogging, some shorts, or sweats and a t-shirt. Try not to look like a ‘tard. Kay?
9. Get off your ass. This may be one of the most important tips I can give. All the other tips don’t really mean shit if all you say is, “Eh, I’ll go tomorrow…”. Even I get lazy sometimes but fuck all that, I gets it in so I can afford to….but I still feel like a fat-ass when I skip out so, there you go.
10. Find some proper motivation. We all need a fire lit under our asses to do things. Broke folk tend to get jobs. Unattractive folk tend to be super nice people (they sorta have to). If you get winded while playing w/ your kids, running for the bus…or just walking, you may wanna exercise. My motivation(s) were the old Stallone and Schwarzenegger movies. I don’t plan to be as huge or ripped as them, but I always wanted muscles. Also, when I was in the Army, I let myself go a little. I actually felt my stomach shake while I was walking one day (there was a Burger King across the street from the barracks *shrugs*). So for the next couple months, I’d spend 4 hours in the gym, AFTER running 2-3 miles.
11. DO NOT GIVE UP. Just because you don’t get the results you want in a couple of weeks, doesn’t mean you give up. Why would you? Quit, and you’ll never see them. Keep pushing yourself. I used to hang up pictures of certain celebrities whose body I admired, just to keep me focused. Try it. Hang a picture of Janet Jackson or The Rock on your fridge.
12. Switch up your workout routine. Don’t pick one routine, and do it for a whole year. Alternate every month or so. Your body will get used to whatever you’re doing, and will stop reacting. You won’t feel the burn anymore, and whatever results you saw…will stop. Change your exercises.
13. CARDIO. Wanna lose weight ASAP? Walk, jog, run, run like hell…do something that’ll put your heart and lungs into overdrive. Don’t wanna? OK, but don’t be mad when that muffin top decides to stick around.
14. Working out can get a lil boring sometimes. Especially if you’re on a treadmill. So, get a mp3 player, or iPod and listen to some music that you know’ll pump you up. I alway make a playlist just to run to.
OK, so, this is it for now, cuz I could go on and on and on. I hope you learned something, and maybe got motivated. There’s a serious obesity problem in the USA, we gotta do something about this shit. Plus we all know we’ve seen someone that was too big to wear what they were wearing and said, “now they know they wrong for that…”. So don’t be that person wearing some shit you have no business wearing….cuz I’ll laugh at you.